okkk complaining on main again

and so the cycle repeats and I, the stupid naive little sisyphus, once again must push this goddamn rock up shit hill.

look. it isn't all bad. but I haven't had a functioning dishwasher or clothes dryer the entire time we've been on this lease so far, our toilets are leaking and nobody can find the source, there's a very concerning water stain on the ceiling that I swear is growing, and despite paying all our bills on time some idiot from the gas company just came and shut our gas off cause he couldn't be bothered to find which gas main belonged to which building unit and fucked off before we could stop him. so, I'm writing this from a house with no heat! isn't that wonderful!!

I'm fed up with life. top this all off with another stupid argument that my roommates got into which has nothing to do with me, and I just want to scream. I'm trapped in this lease for another 11 months and don't have nearly the money to do another big move besides, so I'm rooted in place and I feel like I'm gonna go crazy. my well of empathy is all but completely dried up with this whole thing. I feel I've been more than patient and more than accommodating with all of this bullshit and it's granted me nothing but further issues. what exactly am I supposed to do here?

I find comfort at the very least in knowing that I do have somewhat of a backup plan - if things really go nuclear I can just move back in with my parents, I'd likely have to keep paying rent and utilities on this stupid goddamn house but they'd at least be willing to lend a hand in that, sympathetic as they are with all the stupid goings on recently. but it's hard to keep trudging along this ridiculous path knowing that I could just leave all this unnecessary stuff behind and return back to a comfortable life of doing nothing all day and mooching off my parents.

I know I won't do that, but god is it tempting. I try so hard to do things and grow as a human being and all I get in return is more things going wrong. what's the point if all I get is more hardship? I have zero ability to do anything at all because every second of time I have to myself is dashed by some new issue with the house or some new stupid fight I need to get caught up on or some new something that always makes it so that my plans are the ones that get cancelled. I'm sick of it all. why did I even move back out here? what am I even wanting out of life? I can't handle the basic stressors of most minimum wage jobs, I can't find a job in the field I got a degree for because I'm not good enough at it I guess, and I'm far too mentally ill to post consistently enough to luck into internet fame. so what the hell am I doing out here, working a job that's slowly killing me to pay for a life I hate?????

this is all overdramatic and whiny, I know, and I'd be kind of embarrassed for anybody to actually read this - but I need to type things out to get them out of my head so they don't clog up the place, at least. I'm incredibly frustrated and have no outlet for any of it. sooo... doing great! loving life! yaaay!

okay sarcasm over, I'm gonna go be a grown up now and actually try and process my feelings and employ some coping skills.