I'm gonna be king of the pirates!

recently, I've lost most of the inhibitions that kept me at least somewhat stable and healthy.
I've always been the type of person that can't really hold themselves back from indulging in short-term comforts - that's why I've drank soda every day for nearly 2 decades - but over the past few months it's certainly gotten worse. at the very least, I used to have a certain amount of money anxiety that prevented me from spending my money impulsively and recklessly, and I had enough self-control to know that eating sweets is fine in moderation so long as I balance my diet, but... well. that's pretty much all gone. the amount of money I've spent in the past month alone is embarrassing to admit, and I don't want to get into the amount of little treats I buy myself for no real reason.
I pretty much know exactly why I'm doing this. this year has been a unique and new (to me) hell on my mind and body and because I'm not getting fulfillment or happiness in other areas, I'm just defaulting to quick dopamine releases in order to get that feeling of satisfaction. but knowing about it doesn't exactly stop me from doing it, lol.
of course, I know about urge surfing and have successfully practiced it in the past, but nowadays it's like I can't even bring myself to care about wanting to improve. my scope of life has narrowed to a pinpoint in front of me only consisting of the next 30 minutes to an hour, so who gives a shit if I do things that effect me months in the future? that barely exists. why would I prevent myself from feeling good now when I basically feel like I'll be obliterated within the next day? who cares about the "future" when I'm alive in the present??
it's all very silly and childish, of course - but I can't really bring myself to "grow up," in a sense. when I can hardly muster up the energy to drag myself through a single day at a time, working on healthy habits for a future version of me that doesn't exist yet just feels pointless.
at the beginning of the year I made one single new years' resolution and it was this: allow myself to recognize and appreciate moments of happiness as they come to me, and sit with them, rather than brushing past them and focusing on the negatives. well. I chose the worst possible year to do that one, I'll say that much. the cards I was dealt don't really jive with that whole idea.
I don't really know why I'm writing this all down but I guess I just needed to get it out. there is a part of me that wants to get better, that wants to try, that wants to take the harder path because it knows it's worth it... but when all the rest of me can't manage to get out of bed for more than three hours at a time, that little part doesn't hold much sway. maybe I'll get back there eventually, but for now it's just me. stuck in my endless loop of little dopamine releases.
maybe I'll buy another snack.

I feel like there are less popsicles that have jokes on the sticks than there used to be. my computer refuses to believe 'popsicles' is even a word. has all childlike wonder gone out of the world entirely?

The house is kind of cold but thankfully not too much. another guy from the gas company came to shut off one half of our duplex's gas without bothering to check which half first. this time, thank god, they got it right, and we still have our heat. I wonder not for the first nor probably the last time if this is all there is to life, arguments with strangers and a vague, shapeless, ignorant anger at abstract concepts like 'the gas company' and 'the government.' today while going to the bathroom I stared at the door ahead of me and wondered if this feeling is permanent. will it be like this forever? but then again, I should know better - every time I've gotten comfortable in life, it's been snatched away. things must always change. it's the only constant.

today I sat outside for a while and wrote more of this little pet project that keeps tearing my old wounds back open and stinging them again. it's helping, at least I think. I sewed these wounds shut without cleaning them first and they've been rotting from the inside ever since. they needed to breathe a bit anyway. I keep writing and it keeps unraveling before me and I am really quite proud of it despite the consistent nagging feeling that if anybody got a hold of this and read it they would think it self-aggrandizing and boring. I'm split between posting it and keeping it to myself forever, letting it rot away in obscurity with all the rest of my projects. for now, at least, I think it's fulfilling enough just to be writing it. in the idyllic fantasy of my mind I picture it fully printed, self-designed cover art and all, being held aloft giddily by some book reviewer online. there's a strange belief I've held onto since as far back as I can remember where, if I imagine a future scenario for myself for too long or in too much detail, I'm certain it won't come true - I have spent most of my life stuck in a stalwart refusal to daydream about my daydreams. This is one such thing. I quickly swat at the thought cloud above my head harboring the image so that maybe one day it has the chance to come true.

I'm more than slightly tipsy on grocery store pre-mixed margarita. I was shooting for the Capriccio Sangria, but my local place didn't have it in stock, so I fell back on ol' reliable - Rancho La Gloria. I've just eaten a cranberry fruit punch flavored popsicle. tomorrow I have horrible pressing responsibilities and the drab reality of waking up in a shitty broken-down house with no real plan for life and no hard direction. it all feels incredibly dull.

I have no idea where I was going with this. just sort of writing out my thoughts. I recently started reading The Pale King by David Foster Wallace (as I've tried and failed to start up Infinite Jest multiple times, I theorized that starting with one of his smaller works might ease me into it), as well as Villette by Charlotte Bronte and Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. I find myself wanting to read all the time yet as soon as I pick up a book it's never the right one. all of my creative projects have fallen by the wayside outside of, at the very least, a little bit of writing. my computer has once again started acting up. but all this to say it's 1:30 in the morning and I should probably go to bed and let all these thoughts float away into my dreams. I'm enjoying reading right now, it's just coming to me slower than it has in the past. my creative projects are waiting for me once it's the right time to pick them up again. there are still cranberry fruit punch flavored popsicles and warm spring weather days and hours of free time that I can spend however I please. I am still alive and as much as I am loathe to believe it during more lucid times I do still enjoy existence. I will make the most of my consciousness. however I can.

and so the cycle repeats and I, the stupid naive little sisyphus, once again must push this goddamn rock up shit hill.

look. it isn't all bad. but I haven't had a functioning dishwasher or clothes dryer the entire time we've been on this lease so far, our toilets are leaking and nobody can find the source, there's a very concerning water stain on the ceiling that I swear is growing, and despite paying all our bills on time some idiot from the gas company just came and shut our gas off cause he couldn't be bothered to find which gas main belonged to which building unit and fucked off before we could stop him. so, I'm writing this from a house with no heat! isn't that wonderful!!

I'm fed up with life. top this all off with another stupid argument that my roommates got into which has nothing to do with me, and I just want to scream. I'm trapped in this lease for another 11 months and don't have nearly the money to do another big move besides, so I'm rooted in place and I feel like I'm gonna go crazy. my well of empathy is all but completely dried up with this whole thing. I feel I've been more than patient and more than accommodating with all of this bullshit and it's granted me nothing but further issues. what exactly am I supposed to do here?

I find comfort at the very least in knowing that I do have somewhat of a backup plan - if things really go nuclear I can just move back in with my parents, I'd likely have to keep paying rent and utilities on this stupid goddamn house but they'd at least be willing to lend a hand in that, sympathetic as they are with all the stupid goings on recently. but it's hard to keep trudging along this ridiculous path knowing that I could just leave all this unnecessary stuff behind and return back to a comfortable life of doing nothing all day and mooching off my parents.

I know I won't do that, but god is it tempting. I try so hard to do things and grow as a human being and all I get in return is more things going wrong. what's the point if all I get is more hardship? I have zero ability to do anything at all because every second of time I have to myself is dashed by some new issue with the house or some new stupid fight I need to get caught up on or some new something that always makes it so that my plans are the ones that get cancelled. I'm sick of it all. why did I even move back out here? what am I even wanting out of life? I can't handle the basic stressors of most minimum wage jobs, I can't find a job in the field I got a degree for because I'm not good enough at it I guess, and I'm far too mentally ill to post consistently enough to luck into internet fame. so what the hell am I doing out here, working a job that's slowly killing me to pay for a life I hate?????

this is all overdramatic and whiny, I know, and I'd be kind of embarrassed for anybody to actually read this - but I need to type things out to get them out of my head so they don't clog up the place, at least. I'm incredibly frustrated and have no outlet for any of it. sooo... doing great! loving life! yaaay!

okay sarcasm over, I'm gonna go be a grown up now and actually try and process my feelings and employ some coping skills.

my experiments with medium in the Aperture Record has really been scratching an itch in my brain recently and, despite my portal fixation waning a bit, I'm still really excited about the concept of making fake websites like this and having hidden layers within. obviously nothing new here, but it's new to me, and I'm really loving what can be done with coding to make all these different type of fake webpages.

so! as is my brain's wont it came up with an entirely new idea for a story that it has latched onto and won't let go of no matter how many times I yell to drop it. it originated from my other story What Our Mothers Built - a house in the main character's childhood town starts inexplicably growing meat and, as a biologist, he goes to investigate. I love the premise but it's a story that means a lot to me and it intimidates me to start working on it. both because I know nothing about biology and also because I don't want to mess it up... but I do really want to write a book about a fucked up house! especially one that means a lot to me and is very close to my chest! so of course, as I have been pondering what to write on my scarce few and rapidly passing days off, I thought "well, what do I want to write about?" and... the answer is dinnerware, obviously. I could ramble about porcelain all day long. the history of mealtimes and the various evolving rules we put forth are fascinating to me. so how could I incorporate what I'm passionate about into a compelling narrative?

enter recipe blogs. the infamous mile-long rambling overpersonal manifestos before we get to the actual recipe is fertile ground for fucked up things to happen, and a blog about recipes and kitchenware and home decor is the perfect place to talk at length about porcelain!! as this ended up being quite long I'll put the whole synopsis under a cut here:

( Read more... )

I'm still hashing out how I'll format everything, since this is going to take place as blog posts written by her, but I'm excited at the idea of splicing in photos and recipes and fun history facts as well, since I've got plenty of those already! not sure if I'll actually full-on commit to writing this idea just yet, but I'm keeping it in the back of my mind right now to gnaw on. considering I'm doing GYWO right now it is kind of the perfect time for it...

figured I'd also post about this while I'm at it... I'm joining Get Your Words Out for 2025 in an attempt to get into a regular writing schedule! I'll be working on a few different things throughout the year, as attempting to focus on a single thing would make me drop the project near immediately. hopefully I'll be posting lots of little snippets of projects on each of these things as the year progresses!

The Aperture Record
-of course, my baby, my precious child, the aperture record. I hope to focus mainly on this through the year, but have the other things as backups to take a break and rekindle my passion for it in the dry spells.
-my overarching goal for this project is to start publishing it within the year. I want to release it chapter by chapter, but because of my neuroses I know I'll want a solid draft of most of the chapters before officially releasing anything. (I do have the rough draft of the first 2 chapters available to read here, though, if anyone is curious)
-I'd also like to tackle a lot of the multimedia elements within the year as well. I have a whole plan for linking other website pages that are coded to look like official article journalism websites, complete with fake banner ads that link to even farther little easter eggs, all sprinkled in between the narrative for viewers to find on their own time. or maybe not find at all! who knows

What Our Mothers Built
-this is a project I have sat on for a long, long time and have always been too nervous to start on, but reading Model Home really inspired me to actually take a crack at it.
-the gist of it is this: trans guy, estranged from his family and pursuing some sort of masters degree in science or biology or something, who reads in the news that a house in his hometown has inexplicably started growing what looks like flesh. he is compelled to fly back there and study it, and spends one horrifying week in the walls of a prison of flesh and memory. it's a very raw examination of my relationship with my gender identity and the horrors of womanhood impressed upon transmasc people, with a dash of pregnancy as horror. lots of fucked up meat stuff. yes, the title is intentionally worded so the acronym spells WOMB.
-I really, really want this thing to be perfect. the idyllic novel. something I could see myself pitching to actual publishing companies in some fantastical future world where I become a published author. no clue if that would actually ever happen, but I just have the sense that this is an Important Story that I Need to Tell... and I want to do it right. my main goal for this year is to let go of that need for perfection and just start on it and see where I go... any words are better than none, after all.

Misc Fics Category
-basically anything else I want to work on. since I also would like to keep writing short-form fics of my various fixations, I'd like to build room for that in my GYWO pledge, so I'm not overwhelmed with trying to keep up with multiple writing responsibilities at once. also, considering how big and time consuming TAR and WOMB are gonna be, I figured it would be good to decompress with some silly jaws fanfic every now and then!
-I've enjoyed writing things for fan_flashworks so far, and would like to try to keep up with that, so that's likely where the bulk of this category will come from. fun times!

anyway, yeah! look forward to this stuff, hopefully. I've got a lot of writing mojo currently, but considering I'd also like to try and rekindle my passion for art this year, who knows how much of my creative energy will be taken up by what. I often find myself wishing I could pause time, just so I'd have the ability to give each of my creative pursuits an even amount of time... but sadly, I have to make room for life in there.

very excited to see what others are working on this year, though, and snooping through the GYWO community!

it seems I've become caught in the crossfire of some sort of spat between my roommates. I have no clue the extent of it, as we all have different work schedules and it's often that we aren't even in the house at the same time, but when we are the vibe is absolutely poisonous to be in. then again, as someone who's been in a permanent fawn state since I was about three years old, my vibe detection sensors are violently oversensitive and prone to making me worried to physical sickness when it's absolutely not necessary... so maybe I'm overreacting a bit.

there is certainly something going on, though. I won't get in to detail but it's absolutely agonizing to be around the house recently. I'm hiding out at my little coffee shop, writing some jaws fic and trying to relax, but it's hard to unwind when my 4 days off have been tainted with the air of anxiety at whatever is going on. to make matters worse, I have no idea if I've done something to draw their ire as well, since instead of communicating we're all just sort of existing in this weird pattern of ignoring each other and doing our own thing. it feels absolutely childish, but I have no idea how to approach this, or how to get everyone to say their peace and be done with it. one of my roommates gets home late and practically sprints into his bedroom as soon as he's through the door recently.

I just really wish I could unwind and actually relax. it feels like it's just one thing after another, and I don't get any time to catch a breather before something else blindsides me. I get so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that I end up switching to angry instead, and that type of anger and irritation doesn't help anybody.

I have been realizing recently just how little I've ever actually been or held onto my anger. I try to bend my will to appease as many people as possible, and in doing so, there's definitely no room for me to be angry or upset or anything. I let go of grudges nearly as soon as I make them. I try so hard to forgive and forget, and let everything slide off me. Well. It's not exactly the healthiest way to be. I'm wondering if I'm entitled to some frustration in this situation... but also I worry that what I'm actually doing is making other peoples' arguments and interpersonal issues my own and then getting angry when I get anxious about something that isn't actually much of my business at all. how much of this is even my problem??? I have no way to know, as none of us are communicating with each other. have I done something? have I not?? am I just sort of a background character in all this???

anyways, sorry for the silly vent posting recently. I'll try to lighten up on doing this, as I think spewing all this out on the internet isn't the best coping mechanism. Thankfully I've got a therapy appointment scheduled soon and can talk some of this out with a professional. that's where I'll try to leave most of this stuff in the future, rather than a public website.

jaws fic is going pretty well, though!

I was gifted a pair of Doc Martens for my birthday in 2019. given my propensity for not buying shoes, and wearing the few I have until they’re naught but crumbs of rubber and fabric, they immediately became the only shoes I wore (barring formal events) right up until this month, in 2024.

I was hesitant when I first put them on, recalling all the talk online about how annoying and painful it is to break in a pair of Docs. I’d watched a few videos in preparation, but when I put them on… they were fine. it really didn’t hurt all that bad. I was careful to wear thick socks each time I wore them, so no blisters or sore spots, and the leather really wasn’t as hard and inflexible as everyone was saying. so, I continued to wear them nearly every day of my life for 5 straight years. I had one or two other shoes for when I needed another option, but by and large, if I was putting shoes on, it was the Docs. I loved them. I still do! they're super sturdy, look great, and they never hurt my feet.

well, I got a job recently, one that requires me to walk a little bit. it's a 15-20ish minute walk depending on how spirited my stride is but because of my horribly out-of-shape body, going from walking 0 minutes a day to 30-40, and having to stand for 7 straight hours in between, my feet started to hurt terribly bad. as loathe as I was to do it, I had to go out and buy a pair of sneakers with cushioning and proper arch support.

poof! foot pain gone entirely! not only that, but the rest of my legs that were caught in the crossfire and often got sore by the end of the day also stopped hurting! suddenly that 15-20 minute walk became no big thing at all. standing at work is still mildly uncomfortable but way less so than before. I find myself wanting to walk more, and to go outside more, and my earlier propensity to sit around inside all day is replaced with a restless desire to go and stretch my legs sometimes.

a week or so ago I went out to run some errands with my roommate and, out of habit, put my Docs on instead of the sneakers. instantly, the discomfort and foot pain returned. we weren't even walking too far, but it was enough, I was nearly limping by the time we got back. it made me wonder... was I always in this much pain? was I just so used to the feeling that it didn't register as discomfort to me? it feels nearly unbearable now, yet I never even noticed it before.

anyway, I think there's a pretty blatant analogy in there for something. just thought it would be fun to write out.

every single aspect of my life is basically up in the air right now. job, housing, goals, wants, passions... I'm juggling a million things and all of them are hovering above me in the millisecond before they all come back down and I'm standing anticipating it all, right in the moment before I either catch them and continue the cycle or drop them all and catastrophically fuck up. Throw a sword of Damocles in there as well, just for a fun little twist.

That's what it feels like, at least. So far as I can tell this is par for the course for being alive in your 20's, but I still wish I could have like... a single week of calm where I'm not, at some point, feeling like my whole world is crashing down around me.

I'm exaggerating, of course, but that's kind of what my anxiety disorder always does. Everything is actually the most extreme, worst possible version of itself, and it will last forever and be agonizing the entire time. I'm trying to make my thoughts a bit more sensible, but of course, I still have a long way to go.

Writing it out like this helps, I think. Just putting things into perspective. The world won't actually end, no matter what happens - this is a stressful period of change in my life that I have to adjust to, and that will bring some unhappy moments and some unwanted feelings but like anything else I just have to persist through it and find the joy elsewhere. I will NOT let this horrid stress ruin my peace living out my coffeeshop AU fantasy of writing fanfic at my computer while sipping a hot chocolate and listening to the Grand Budapest Hotel soundtrack waiting for the guy who excitedly complimented my one piece stickers to show up.

just finished watched s2a2 of arcane... I am mentally unwell!!!

arcane is one of those obsessions of mine that I think about a lot but don't really talk about, along with League of Legends in general. I'm never gonna play the game (I am NOT a big gamer and hate multiplayer games, especially shooters >~<") but I've kept up with the various animations and fun stuff they've put out for years. the music video for Get Jinxed changed my brain chemistry all the way back in 2013 and I've basically never been the same since!

needless to say, Jinx has been my favorite character for a long, long time (I've always had a strong love for characters with an urge to commit senseless acts of violence and chaos :3) and it's so much fun to get a whole show that gives her more character and story. especially as someone who has struggled with some intense mental illness and hasn't really had the opportunity to unpack it or analyze it until very recently, her story arc in arcane is so real to me, and she struck a chord with me that not many other characters have before.

I want to one day write my own analysis/interpretation of her as a character maybe, but I'll hold off until the last act drops at least, lol - I wanna see the whole of her character arc first. until then I'll simply be staring at gifsets of her day in and day out

Just got back from a machine girl concert - my head is killing me, my legs have been turned to jelly, and it was the most incredible night I’ve ever had. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but it was still crazy fun!! To think I was anxiously dreading it just earlier today because the tickets were a bit of an impulse buy (this guy I may or may not be interested in wanted someone to go with and a friend mentioned I like machine girl… so of course I had to immediately buy em without a second thought).

I’m not a regular concert-goer by any means. This was my third time ever attending one, and I had no clue what to expect. Different venue, different music genre, and waaay different vibe. It was also the most crowded one I’ve been to, by far - the merch line wrapped around the length of the venue and nearly out the door! Of course, I still had to get in there and wait dutifully for my overpriced t-shirt. Well worth it, this thing is gonna be worn until it’s a loose pile of string.

Not sure what I expected, but as soon as the first song started, a mosh pit broke out, and we just so happened to be square in the middle of the crowd - folks, I am 5’ tall and just barely break 90 pounds. To say I was tossed like a styrofoam cup in the wind would be an understatement. It was incredible. I managed to hang on to my glasses as they flew off my face when the first shove happened, but only just. They’re a bit bent now from me gripping them so hard as I was thrown around lmao.

We managed to move to the periphery between songs - I loved being in the pit, but I certainly couldn’t keep it up for very long - and the rest of the night was spent jamming in the corner as drinks were spilled on my head, the lead singer crowdsurfed right to us, and hundreds of people shoved us around, but more gently this time.

Definitely gonna remember that for a long time, lol - I never expected to enjoy concerts as much as I do, but something about the environment cancels out my usual aversion to loud sounds and crowded spaces.

Anyway, I’m dead tired now - time to sleep!!