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it's officially been a year since an event in my life I've come to call the Fuckening.
long, long story short - my partner of 4 years broke up with me, I lost my job, and I had to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents, all within one very shit week in November of 2023. I've spent the subsequent year in a wide array of mental states trying to process it all and move on - something I thought I was doing Quite Good At... until I actually moved back out again.
my mind has been plagued with desire for the past. everything I do, I see a ghost of a happier me doing it better, and it's really, really hard to stop seeing it. my own self is haunting me and laughing at me from the shadows. I feel like I'm backsliding like crazy, and all that processing and coping I did is just unspooling in front of me.
I work a much worse job for less pay, I'm painfully single after a long string of dating app embarrassments, and I'm in a very touch-and-go living situation right now. compared to myself a year ago, I'm a mess.
I try not to compare, because really, it's useless to ruminate on the past so much. I can't go back a single second in time. that me will never exist again, just like this me won't exist a year from now. it's best to just move on and let things be - it won't always be this way forever, and I'm at least trying to work towards a better life right now - but it's difficult to let go of that instinctual want to fade into the past and stay there. a memory is a lot nicer of a thing than the real, tangible present. it even comes with a nice free pair of rose-tinted glasses!
I"m not entirely sure why I'm writing this. I spent the afternoon having thanksgiving dinner with my friend's parents and afterwards we had a long and very nice conversation about... a lot of things, including my desire to live in the past and gender and our various neuroses and the State of the World. especially with it being the year anniversary of the Fuckening my feelings about all this were really surfacing a lot and being able to talk that out with them was really very helpful. knowing that I have a friend who really cares about me a lot is good to remember, when I'm in this funk.
still, it's hard to let go of these thoughts. but I've been slowly trying to reframe my mindset when I catch myself getting in this mood. just trying to find the little joys, things that make me even a little bit happy, or bring me comfort. tonight it's cold water and warm blankets and listening to Kiltro. tomorrow it'll be something different, and the next day as well, and I'm trying to stick around to find out what they'll be. every day brings something a little bit different.
I think I'll finally start crocheting again tomorrow
long, long story short - my partner of 4 years broke up with me, I lost my job, and I had to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents, all within one very shit week in November of 2023. I've spent the subsequent year in a wide array of mental states trying to process it all and move on - something I thought I was doing Quite Good At... until I actually moved back out again.
my mind has been plagued with desire for the past. everything I do, I see a ghost of a happier me doing it better, and it's really, really hard to stop seeing it. my own self is haunting me and laughing at me from the shadows. I feel like I'm backsliding like crazy, and all that processing and coping I did is just unspooling in front of me.
I work a much worse job for less pay, I'm painfully single after a long string of dating app embarrassments, and I'm in a very touch-and-go living situation right now. compared to myself a year ago, I'm a mess.
I try not to compare, because really, it's useless to ruminate on the past so much. I can't go back a single second in time. that me will never exist again, just like this me won't exist a year from now. it's best to just move on and let things be - it won't always be this way forever, and I'm at least trying to work towards a better life right now - but it's difficult to let go of that instinctual want to fade into the past and stay there. a memory is a lot nicer of a thing than the real, tangible present. it even comes with a nice free pair of rose-tinted glasses!
I"m not entirely sure why I'm writing this. I spent the afternoon having thanksgiving dinner with my friend's parents and afterwards we had a long and very nice conversation about... a lot of things, including my desire to live in the past and gender and our various neuroses and the State of the World. especially with it being the year anniversary of the Fuckening my feelings about all this were really surfacing a lot and being able to talk that out with them was really very helpful. knowing that I have a friend who really cares about me a lot is good to remember, when I'm in this funk.
still, it's hard to let go of these thoughts. but I've been slowly trying to reframe my mindset when I catch myself getting in this mood. just trying to find the little joys, things that make me even a little bit happy, or bring me comfort. tonight it's cold water and warm blankets and listening to Kiltro. tomorrow it'll be something different, and the next day as well, and I'm trying to stick around to find out what they'll be. every day brings something a little bit different.
I think I'll finally start crocheting again tomorrow
