I'm gonna be king of the pirates!

continuing on my hot streak of writing, I've now become deeply invested in a Jones Hall/Conrad Earp thing completely unrelated to my other Asteroid City wip. I've never been one to write soft fluffy stuff, and this one isn't going to be 100% fluff (of course, who would I be without my sad brooding introspective characters???) but I'm actually really enjoying what I've written so far!

it's kind of hilarious to me that this singular not even very well liked Wes Anderson movie is basically what opened the floodgates to me writing fanfic. I only ever wrote original stuff for the longest time (and never finished a single thing, I might add), tried and failed to write a single jaws thing two years ago, and then my heart and soul got cracked open watching Asteroid City on an airplane shortly after The Fuckening and I've finally become able to write fanfic. yippee! this is what breakups and layoffs will do to you, folks.

anyway, the general direction I'm heading in with this one is a Jones-centered thing where he slowly becomes aware that he's a fictional character written for a broadcast. he's not totally cognizant of the situation, but things begin to break down around him the further in-character he gets as Augie until he starts to realize he isn't losing himself in the play, reality is losing *him.* or something like that. plenty of sweet moments with Conrad as well, of course, despite the inevitable tragedy that I'll have to write one way or another... cries ;-; (keeping character death canonical to show I support and engage with tragedies without feeling the need to water them down to make them more palatable but crying the whole time to signal that I am still a soft little baby inside) but for now I'm enjoying trying to get down all the character voices, and what subtle differences the character voices of actor and actor-in-character would have.

ohhh how I wish I could work on this all day and not go to my terrible job UnU"

( Read more... )

every single aspect of my life is basically up in the air right now. job, housing, goals, wants, passions... I'm juggling a million things and all of them are hovering above me in the millisecond before they all come back down and I'm standing anticipating it all, right in the moment before I either catch them and continue the cycle or drop them all and catastrophically fuck up. Throw a sword of Damocles in there as well, just for a fun little twist.

That's what it feels like, at least. So far as I can tell this is par for the course for being alive in your 20's, but I still wish I could have like... a single week of calm where I'm not, at some point, feeling like my whole world is crashing down around me.

I'm exaggerating, of course, but that's kind of what my anxiety disorder always does. Everything is actually the most extreme, worst possible version of itself, and it will last forever and be agonizing the entire time. I'm trying to make my thoughts a bit more sensible, but of course, I still have a long way to go.

Writing it out like this helps, I think. Just putting things into perspective. The world won't actually end, no matter what happens - this is a stressful period of change in my life that I have to adjust to, and that will bring some unhappy moments and some unwanted feelings but like anything else I just have to persist through it and find the joy elsewhere. I will NOT let this horrid stress ruin my peace living out my coffeeshop AU fantasy of writing fanfic at my computer while sipping a hot chocolate and listening to the Grand Budapest Hotel soundtrack waiting for the guy who excitedly complimented my one piece stickers to show up.

saw thefridayfive and thought this would be fun! here's my answers for this week

1. If the world were to suddenly end right now, what do you wish you would have done?
I'd probably wish I would've written more, drawn more, gone out more - generally just lived more. as fun as it is to be a homebody, I regret not spending more of my time doing the things I love

2. How many times do you hit the snooze button before getting out of bed?
none! I don't use alarms, at least not currently :p this job is grueling but it's so nice to work the late shift, and be able to wake up on my own time in the mornings.

3. What cartoon do you enjoy watching from the present (or the past)?
honestly and truthfully, it's MLP:FIM. I loved my little pony growing up (starcatcher my beloved) and when gen 4 came out I ate it up. it still holds a very special place in my heart and I revisit it pretty regularly when I need a pick-me-up

4. If you could go to any time and/or place in history, where/when would it be?
1700's France, entirely and solely to see original Sevres porcelain in person!! I just adore their gaudy rococo designs during that time... so over-the-top and colorful!

5. If your life were a movie, what would it be rated and why?
probably R, if only because of the amount of times I mutter a certain expletive when I bang my foot against the edge of my cat's scratching post. outside of that, it's pretty mundane, lol

finally getting back into the Aperture Record - partially because I had 5 whole days off (why? not a clue) and partially because I fear if I don't do something creative soon I'll explode into a pile of goo. the stress of an impending move and issues with apartment accommodations is piling up and I need the escape of fun writing right now

anyway! I'm slowly filling in the gaps between the chunks of part 1 that I've already written. once I cover all the gaps I'll probably go through and do a rewrite, since this is still very much rough draft state... but of course who knows how long it'll take me to get there. I'm making progress, at least!

here's a few paragraphs I wrote today, the beginnings of a Situationist interpretation of Aperture as a physical location, drawing inspiration from Guy Debord's Society of the Spectacle and (eventually, not yet mentioned here-) Baudrillard's Precession of Simulacra.

 

( Read more... )

 

I'm also doing a bit of extraneous writing that will be hidden in little links and buttons around different webpages. this one will be related to a later chapter on glados and caroline:

( Read more... )

as is my brain's wont, I am also just starting to get into learning music theory, and may or may not try to make some portal-inspired stuff in the future. that, however, is still the very beginning of an idea still rattling around in my brain, so as much as the idea excites me, I'm not focusing on it too much.
but one day.... the website just might have some musical elements to it as well. we shall see!

I was never too musically inclined - my brother was the band kid, and he went really far with this music! but that kind of just put me off learning anything about music for a long time. he was the musical prodigy, after all, and I was the art kid. I liked to stay in my (self-determined, completely imaginary) lane when I was younger. now, though, it's kind of exciting to branch out into so many different things and try them all! looking forward to learning how in the hell music is made, because right now it's basically magic to me.

anyway, back to writing for me. or reading, rather - still haven't finished Society of the Spectacle despite being partially through an entire chapter referencing it.

just finished watched s2a2 of arcane... I am mentally unwell!!!

arcane is one of those obsessions of mine that I think about a lot but don't really talk about, along with League of Legends in general. I'm never gonna play the game (I am NOT a big gamer and hate multiplayer games, especially shooters >~<") but I've kept up with the various animations and fun stuff they've put out for years. the music video for Get Jinxed changed my brain chemistry all the way back in 2013 and I've basically never been the same since!

needless to say, Jinx has been my favorite character for a long, long time (I've always had a strong love for characters with an urge to commit senseless acts of violence and chaos :3) and it's so much fun to get a whole show that gives her more character and story. especially as someone who has struggled with some intense mental illness and hasn't really had the opportunity to unpack it or analyze it until very recently, her story arc in arcane is so real to me, and she struck a chord with me that not many other characters have before.

I want to one day write my own analysis/interpretation of her as a character maybe, but I'll hold off until the last act drops at least, lol - I wanna see the whole of her character arc first. until then I'll simply be staring at gifsets of her day in and day out

Just got back from a machine girl concert - my head is killing me, my legs have been turned to jelly, and it was the most incredible night I’ve ever had. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but it was still crazy fun!! To think I was anxiously dreading it just earlier today because the tickets were a bit of an impulse buy (this guy I may or may not be interested in wanted someone to go with and a friend mentioned I like machine girl… so of course I had to immediately buy em without a second thought).

I’m not a regular concert-goer by any means. This was my third time ever attending one, and I had no clue what to expect. Different venue, different music genre, and waaay different vibe. It was also the most crowded one I’ve been to, by far - the merch line wrapped around the length of the venue and nearly out the door! Of course, I still had to get in there and wait dutifully for my overpriced t-shirt. Well worth it, this thing is gonna be worn until it’s a loose pile of string.

Not sure what I expected, but as soon as the first song started, a mosh pit broke out, and we just so happened to be square in the middle of the crowd - folks, I am 5’ tall and just barely break 90 pounds. To say I was tossed like a styrofoam cup in the wind would be an understatement. It was incredible. I managed to hang on to my glasses as they flew off my face when the first shove happened, but only just. They’re a bit bent now from me gripping them so hard as I was thrown around lmao.

We managed to move to the periphery between songs - I loved being in the pit, but I certainly couldn’t keep it up for very long - and the rest of the night was spent jamming in the corner as drinks were spilled on my head, the lead singer crowdsurfed right to us, and hundreds of people shoved us around, but more gently this time.

Definitely gonna remember that for a long time, lol - I never expected to enjoy concerts as much as I do, but something about the environment cancels out my usual aversion to loud sounds and crowded spaces.

Anyway, I’m dead tired now - time to sleep!!

things have been somewhat stressful over here recently. our lease is coming to an end soon and my roommates desperately want to live somewhere else, but we're finding it hard to find a place within our price point elsewhere. I have half a mind to just get a new lease in the same apartment building - it's not the worst price in the world, and I'm familiar with the area, not to mention I just got offered a job within the immediate area, so I wouldn't have a horrible commute every morning. I don't know, it's all still up in the air. We'll get there when we get there.

I've been savoring the few days I have left before this job starts, (though still anxious about *if* the job will start - they're running a background check on me right now and I know I have nothing of concern but waiting on that confirmation still makes me nervous.) and sort of just aimlessly wandering around. I'm attempting to work on the Aperture Record right now but my brain doesn't really want to focus on anything at all. also my cat keeps rubbing his head on my laptop screen and activating touch controls with his mouth. he is clicking so many things.

anyway, due to my general lack of direction I think I'll start writing up some posts about my porcelain collection. maybe even start doing a weekly porcelain post, just for funsies - would be nice to have a weekly thing to write and engage my special interest every once in a while.

in the meantime! take this little art piece I made for the Aperture Record - it's supposed to look like a big modern art painting you'd find at a big upscale art gallery, or something. working on these little auxiliary things is getting more fun than the writing honestly, but I always fall in and out of love with writing lol, I'll get the passion back soon.

sitting in the living room distinctly ignoring things I could be doing and instead watching my roommate play a video game... very much preferred right now.

I had a hectic but nice day today - found a local queer craft meetup and decided to actually put on my big boy pants and attempt to socialize. my goal was basically "talk to one person once," and delightfully, I managed to get in with a little group and have a bunch of conversations!! it's only a once-a-month thing, but I'd like to keep attending and hopefully build up a rapport with the regulars. lots of kind extroverted people that just walked up and talked to people and, as someone who had to hype myself up to ask for a chair, that was very much appreciated.


anyway, concerning my various fixations and projects:


I've got a good roadmap for the Aperture Record now, and have started picking away at the Fun Bits that I waned to write in the moment, but I'm hitting a snag that I've basically seen coming the whole time, lol

House of Leaves works so well because of Johnny's interjections. he has an entire overlapping narrative that adds so much more dimension to the whole story. (i am Pointedly Ignoring all the people I've seen complaining about johnny's footnotes and saying they skipped them entirely. read the book however you'd like, of course - I'm not a Book Cop, and plenty of people have plenty of fair reasons for it - but all I'm saying is you're missing out on like... half the book.) as of right now I don't really have a solid Johnny-type character. I don't want this to be a portal plot recap in a fun format, I really want to Tell a Story here, but I'm coming up against a wall with what exactly I want that to be. the focus is definitely going to be on isolation and the cycle of abuse, in a general sense.

Wheatley is the obvious choice for a Johnny surrogate - long-winded monologues, inane tangents, etc etc... but I don't really want the Johnny surrogate to be interacting directly with the text. so now I'm unsure what exactly I want that Johnny-surrogate to be saying at all, and how I want their words to make their way into the Aperture Record.

as of right now, I'm thinking there will be random interjections (not only in the footnotes, but also randomly spliced into the middle of chapters and sentences, in random text boxes that break the website formatting, hidden links, popup boxes, the works) that are from Wheatley during his time between games. since he was basically left alone during the incredibly long time gap between portal 1 and 2, I figure he'd have a lot of very long and interesting monologues from him talking to himself to try and keep himself company (works with the theme of isolation, and it can also foreshadow what he does in portal 2 for the cycles of abuse themes). I'm also considering adding in a few Rattman things as well, as if he had hidden little things he wrote into random Aperture files in the hopes that someone would discover it someday. Things are still subject to change, but I think I can safely work on the first half (mainly concerning portal 1) and work out the second half as I go. (I love parentheses, these sentences can fit so much bonus information!)

depending on my ability to pick up on more complex HTML things, I'd also like to make the reading experience a bit more hands-on in the second half, rather than just clicking the next button on the website over and over. hidden pages, some stuff on completely other websites, etc etc. we'll see! I do plan on also posting a more accessible version on Ao3 at the same time though, for anyone who needs it.

ok back to actually writing now

but I WON'T BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.

not really I'm actually having a pretty good time... the power of a hyperfixation will see me through anything, truly. anyway, I've just been messing around with really basic neocities stuff, using the classic sadgrl layout generator so I'm not really delving too far just yet (though, if this goes any further, I may want to try my hand at learning how to make my own layout!). I've got a basic home page going!

theaperturerecord.neocities.org/

obviously not much on it for now, I've got the little spiel I wrote up for an Ao3 description right now as sort of an introductory thing, and a bit of my newly created assets in use! very, very proud of how the Aperture Record logo and the little companion cube page borders are looking altogether.

eventually, possibly even some day soon, this will have WORDS in it. TEXT. that tells a STORY, even. how cool is that!

for now, though, I leave you with a little bit of chapter 2:

EDIT: because I cannot put a project down and go to bed when I need to, I've now added the rough draft of chapter 1 to the website!! it can be accessed by clicking the 'read' tab :3

 

( The Aperture Record - chapter 2!! )

 

recently I watched my roommate play through all of portal 1 and 2 - my first time actually experiencing any amount of portal's plot! despite living through the thick of early 2010's nerdy fandom culture, I knew almost nothing about the games past 1.) there's portals, and 2.) something about cake? so retroactively getting to understand all the memes and in-jokes that built that era of nerd-dom was very fun. insert that image of pop team epic's "ah, so that's how it is, huh. I understand everything now. (doesn't understand anything)".

this actually came at the perfect time to be a new fixation for my brain to latch on to, coinciding with my House of Leaves reread and thinking about inescapable, ever-shifting hallways that feel filled with malice and all the references to cameras and apertures and vision. which of course has immediately led me to start drafting a House of Leaves + Portal crossover fic in which an anonymous author publishes an essay analyzing a collection of video tapes, audio recordings, notes, incident reports, and interviews known as the Aperture Record. the kicker, of course, being that nobody can find any trace of the Aperture Record ever existing, and no trace of a company called Aperture Science ever existing, either.

I've wanted to write something House of Leaves inspired for a while actually, but my perfectionism and lack of attention span discouraged me from trying until just now, and I'm really having a lot of fun so far! not sure how far I'll see this through, nor how much time and effort I'm gonna put into it from day to day, but it has really been a blast so far figuring out what I want to write about and hunting down random sources to read and refer to. I'm sort of killing two birds with one stone here, satiating my urge to write fanfic AND my urge to write character and plot analysis at the same time! I'm sort of hopping back and forth from drafting an outline to writing bits of chapters, figuring out the content of the video tapes and recordings and notes, and collecting and reading academic papers and books to relate to my various analyses. even dug out my old PDF of Baudrillard's Precession of Simulacra (with notes about garfield and youtube's Lasagna Cat channel being a perfect demonstration of simulacra in action - a topic I'd really like to revisit and do an actual writeup of sometime) and am having a LOT of fun reliving my old art history class memories, lol.

unfortunately I've had far too much squinting at text on my laptop for today, so I have to step away from it for now, but guaranteed this has been the only thing I've been thinking about and will be the only thing I think about for a good while.